I am madly in love with Ann Coulter. If there is a finer creature anywhere in this world, I haven’t found her. Whenever I see her natural blond hair framing the classic beauty of her face, I am overcome with emotion; she is an angel fallen from on high. That God would bless us with such a gift is proof of his good will. Would a kiss from her delicate lips be too much to ask? She is beauty incarnate, and I am humbled by her.
It’s not just her appearance, though; I am not such a shallow man. I don’t understand a lot of what she says, but I am really turned on by strong, intelligent women. And she is undoubtedly one, taking on the mantel of pain and oppression that American conservatives have borne over the past century, as our country degrades into a haven for people unlike her.
If not for her tireless crusade, the disease of understanding and general kinship might well destroy us all. Let us all be thankful that she is there to draw antagonistic lines between vague groupings of otherwise peaceful people. It is her endless love for humanity, and her deep convictions, that protect us all from each other.
She is the complete package: looks, brains, and heart. She is everything I could want in a woman. I can hardly sleep at night, and when I do I dream of gazing into each other’s eyes with the most sincere expression of mutual love and respect.
But only a dream — for she is too high above me. She’s so lovely. Like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite.
Ann, I devote that song to you forever.
Live well, mon petite chou.